So, here I am. Two days before my due date, and guess what? Baby Finn is here! In fact, he is actually 9 days old today! Yes, after months of aching swollen feet, legs and hands, our little man joined us via c-section last Thursday. It was a crazy experience, going into the OR, knowing that when I came out, I would be a mother. As they were preparing me for surgery in the room, the nurse could tell how intimidated I was just to be in that big, cold and loud room, so she started talking to me about my baby, and somewhere between the administration of the spinal and the me lying down on the operating table, she said to me, 'Just think, you will be Finn's mommy in about a half an hour'. That's the one thing that kept me calm. The entire process ended up taking the double the time the doctor said it would. Naturally, since this is my child we're talking about, he had to make a dramatic entrance into the world, and since he is his father's son, he had to be stubborn about it. About part way through the section, I started to feel like they were literally dragging me across the table, the anesthesiologist strapped a mask over my face, and asked me if I was okay, I was fine, but a little bit concerned by how long it was taking. Everyone in the room was suddenly quiet, and bell started alarmed, indicating that my blood pressure was going up, I looked over at the machine, and saw that it was alarmingly high. I was a little bit woozy, so I looked at Bobby and asked him if I was okay? He looked more worried than I was, but quickly told me I was fine. He later told me that at this point he glanced over the curtain and saw that even my doctor looked panicked. Turns out that Finn did not want to come out, they had to pull his little legs so hard they bruised them! But finally, at 5:47 pm, he made his entrance into this crazy world. When the doctor ran back with him to show me, I was so overwhelmed all I could do was look at Bobby and smile, and heave a huge sigh of relief. I didn't cry at that moment, but I promise you, it was nothing else I have ever felt. Mind you, as I sit here now and type this out, I am a blubbering mess. What happened then was that I eventually let Bobby's hand go, or what was left of it, from me squeezing the crap out of it for an hour. The nurse took Bobby over and let him cut the cord, and moments later, he brought over a little bundle with a cute little pissed off face to show me. I couldn't touch him, but I could look, and I was in love instantly. They say you might feel love right away, and you might now, but I can promise you, I did. Bobby left with the nurses and the baby to go back to the maternity ward and wait for me. The doctor finished closing me up (blunt, but true). I had to be given another dose of morphine, because the freezing started to wear off while he was working. I was then wheeled into recovery where I would have to wait until I could move my legs so that I could be taken to my room, and officially meet my baby. As much as it hurt to feel them sewing, I was thankful the freezing wore off early so that I could get back to my room sooner. When they brought me back to my room, and got me moved into my bed and cleaned up, I finally go to hold my baby boy, and get a good look at him. Thats when I was overwhelmed by emotion. Nine months, you wait, you worry, and you wonder what your baby will look like. Then finally, the day comes, and you lay eyes on them for the first time, and nothing will ever compare to how you will feel. To look down and know that you carried this life inside of you, you protected them, you helped them grow strong to face the world, and now they are here. They are a permanent part of you, and you just know that your life has changed forever. As someone who has battled depression for most of my adult life thus far, I often worried about the future, and felt gloomy, and even sad. Now I look at it so differently, I feel like I've been born again, or I've been given a new purpose, to be the best mother I can be, I don't worry so much about my future, I only worry about giving him the best life I can. That is the best medicine a person could ask for.
I have a lot more to share about the past 9 days, but my little man is napping next to me, and I should probably take this time to enjoy having two free hands, and reply to the many wonderful greeting and wishes people have passed on to us! So let's just say this post is part 1 of 2, and stay tuned for part 2! Until then, I'm up to my ears in poopy diapers, dirty onesies, recieving blankets, and formula, and extremely sleep-deprived, but I promise I couldn't be happier! :)
