Goodyear Blimp?

I've been battling with this one subject over the past 26 weeks, and even longer. In fact, before I even got pregnant I was worried about this touchy subject. As a woman, there is so much to consider about pregnancy. It's more than becoming a mother, it's the changes our bodies will undergo, both physically and mentally. I feel like I haven't been spared in any department. I want to talk about the weight gain. Now for some, it's nothing to gain the weight. They embrace every pound, and remind themselves that its all for the benefit of their baby. I know this is true, but it hasn't stopped me from becoming emotional over it. I have my reasons for how I feel, and it mostly comes down to the fact that I have battled with my weight and image for most of my life. I never felt very pretty growing up, and I constantly compared myself to everyone else. I actually found a reason to believe everyone around me was more beautiful than I was. The past four years have been the best years as far as confidence, and physical health for me. During university, I gained a whopping 60 pounds. I made a lot of poor choices, and my lifestyle was not active at all. In high school, I was actively involved in dance, and I kept myself busy with a part-time job, and walked everywhere, as I had no car of my own. Then, BAM, university comes, and suddenly I'm cabbing it everywhere and relying on the bus system to carry my ass shorter distances than I walked back in high school. I also no longer ate as healthy as I did when I was living at home, under my mother's watchful eye. By the time I graduated from university, I was at my heaviest weight in my entire life, and had absolutely no self confidence. By Spring 2008, I had lost about 7 pounds, and it showed. Just that small amount of weight loss gave me a slight boost in confidence. But it wasn't enough. My weight stayed the same, until the following Spring. I was in a relationship that I knew deep down was not working out, I think my body felt it as much as my heart did. I lost 15 pounds in the span of just a couple weeks, and I was not well. My weight continued to go down, until everyone was noticing it. I was so conflicted, because everyone was complimenting me on it, but I knew I was sick and miserable. By June 2009, I was down to my lowest weight since high school. I was 60 pounds lighter than I was at my university graduation, just two years previous to that. I went through a lot of emotional changes, and ended up quitting my job, ending my relationship, and spent some time trying to figure out why I was so unhappy. That summer, I wore a bathing suit for the first time at the beach since I was child. I wore shorts, and tank tops for the first time since I was in high school. This might seem ridiculous, but if you have ever battled with your confidence, you will know what an amazing feeling it is to do this. This new confidence helped me to take a very important step in my life. I accepted a job working in a private school in Québec. I left that August, and ended up staying for three years. During that time, I worked hard to maintain my new body, I watched what I ate, and I managed to keep myself active enough that I didn't gain the weight back. But the fear of gaining back that weigh was enough to depress me. I joined the gym during my second year, and I managed to force myself to go quite frequently and actually enjoyed it. Each summer, while I was back home, I would usually gain back 5 or 10 pounds, mostly because I was drinking beer on those hot summer nights. But within a couple of weeks of being back into the routine of work, I would always lose it right away. This continued the entire time I was there, right up until the Spring of last year, I decided to try something more intense, and actually try to drop some additional weight, and tone my body. I was seeing lots of people in the Facebook world trying to hard to whip their bodies into shape, and I was inspired. I looked into lots of program online, and finally settled on Jillian Michaels, 30 Day Shred. I took it a step further and signed up for her online program, to help me track my weightloss, with food journals, calorie counters, meals plans, recipes, and workout suggestions. I was relentless, I measured out all of my food, I devoted all of my extra time to my diet. I never ate a single thing that wasn't approved by the website. I quit smoking on March 1st, and that day I started walking, 45 minutes a day. Within 2 weeks, I started pushing myself to jog for a small portion of my walk. I have NEVER been a jogger, and definitely never dreamed of running. But I decided it was time to push myself further. Every single night after supper, I went out for my walk/jog. I NEVER ate after supper. I would be lying if I said I didn't go to bed a few times hungry. But I was seeing results, and I had NEVER felt healthier. By the end of April, not only was I jogging 45 minutes 4 times a week, but I was also going to the gym twice a week and doing weight training. My legs were becoming toned, and I was seeing such major improvement in my mood. This continued right through until I moved home at the end of June. Then, I hit a rut. I was back home, my routine was completely changed. I had left behind my life as I knew it, and was starting a new one. As excited as I was, I am not a person who adjusts easily to change. I usually approach it kicking and screaming. This was no exception. Within six weeks of being home, I discovered I was pregnant. By this time, I had also noticed that I had gained about 10 pounds, and the weight gain didn't stop there. Now, I am almost 27 weeks, and I had gained a substantial amount of weight, in fact, I am mostly likely close to my heaviest weight ever. Mind you, I am carrying a lot of this weight in my stomach, I still feel it. If people tell you that you will be okay with your weight because you are pregnant, they have either never been pregnant, or they were lucky enough not to gain very much during their pregnancy. I can tell you that this is something I am battling hard these days. I haven't really been craving a lot of food over the past 6 months, but I am hungry all the time. I try to eat healthy, but I do indulge on chips or fries the odd time. I try not to feel bad about it. But every time I go to a check-up and I get on the scale, the tears always follow. Now, I'm not sharing this to make anyone feel bad about their gain or their bodies during pregnancy. I love my baby, and if gaining weight is a part of this process, I am trying my best to embrace it. He is worth it, but I just want you to know, that it's okay to feel how you feel. It's okay to have those days. We are human beings, and we are sharing our bodies with a baby right now, we are changing, and we are growing. We don't have all that much control over it, so just remember, you aren't alone.

New Year, New Resolutions...

So.. it's 2013. Wow! I can still remember 2003 like it was yesterday. I was in my last year of high school, and I remember telling myself that 2003 would be the best year of my life. At the time, I was convinced it would be. But now, here I sit, rubbing my belly and telling myself that this will be the best year yet. But the thing is, I think we have a little bit of power over this. We can choose to make this a good year. It's not always in the hands of fate. To some extent, it is. But if we are here, and we have good health, I think the rest is in our hands. I'm not usually one for making resolutions. I feel like we never actually stick to them. But, this year, I've decided to make some resolutions, or set some goals for myself. Things that I feel are easily within reach, and things that will make me a happier and emotionally healthier person. I've had a LOT of time to reflect on life in general lately, and how I interact with the people in my life. I'm satisfied with some of it, and some of it just plain frustrates me. So, I have decided to attempt to eliminate some of the stressful parts, or just find a better approach. My biggest resolution is to be kinder to those who deserve it. I'm not saying I'm going to be cruel to those who don't treat me well. I just mean that I'm going to spend more energy on people who deserve my time. No longer wasting my efforts on people who only want to take from me. There are people who are in our lives because they want to be, and they don't want anything other than our love. Those people can stay, but the rest, I plan to distance myself from. I have become very good at figuring out who is using me, and who truly wants to be in my life. It's been a quiet 5 months or so, but I can tell you, that I've already eliminated some of these people, and I am a better, and less bitter person because of it. Another resolution is to cherish the simple things in life. This seems to be such a broad statement. But it's true. I have grown to enjoy my morning coffee, sitting at my computer, catching up on the world, looking out the window to my right side. It's quiet, and it's calming. I do have one particular resolution that may or may not be entirely realistic.. to swear less. I have decided that it's time to finally try and curb my foul mouth. My mother is always saying how unbecoming it is to be swearing like a trucker. I have to agree. With the arrival of my little one just a few months away, I figure not is the time to chill out on the swearing. Plus, I think that I will be able to remain slightly calmer if I hold off on the harsh words. I also want to do more yoga. I know I will probably be good at this for about a month, but then I'll start forgetting. But I am going to make an effort to take an hour a day, and do something calming, whether it's reading a book, meditating, reading, walking.. or just curling up on the couch and looking out the window while daydreaming. I need to make that time for myself, and for the baby. We get so caught up in the rush of our lives, that we often forget to slow down and give our brains a rest.. give our bodies a rest. I want to do that. Now, before anyone starts laughing hysterically at all of my 'resolutions'... I have just one more.. to be true to myself. That probably seems silly, and there will be many people who would scoff at that statement. However, the people that would scoff at it, probably don't like me enough to even read this... so I'm not worried. What I mean to say is that I will always be me, I will always be just a little bit high strung. I will always be the girl who can't sit through a movie without pausing it part way through to go re-arrange my closet, or something equally weird. These are things that will never change. I will always be Candace. I speak my mind, I love too hard, and I feel too much. But these are the key components of who I am, and these are the reasons why I am loved. So when you read this, if you take away nothing else.. I hope you start your New Year off being true to you. Realize that you can set goals for yourself, but don't ever change who you are. Happy New Year, everyone! I hope 2013 brings you an abundance of happiness and great memories. :) <3