Flashback

My baby boy will be 20 weeks old tomorrow. So hard to believe! It's been a long, challenging and AMAZING year. I look back every day in amazement at everything that we have overcome and accomplished in this past year. I think back to this time last year, when I was terrified, newly pregnant, and so completely unsure of what the future held. As I look down at my little boy these days, I think back to one very specific day. I was sick, tired, and stressed about being pregnant. My hormones were attacking in a major way, like they do to most women when they first become pregnant. With the levels changing so quickly, I was easily tired, and feeling just 'off'. That particular day, I lay in bed, home alone, crying and worrying. I was scared that maybe I wasn't going to be able to do it. Maybe I didn't want to be a Mom. I hadn't planned for this, it came up on me, and scared the hell out of me. I had no chance to process or absorb it. It had just happened, and everyone was so overjoyed that I actually obligated to be the same. But I wasn't. So I called my Mom, and I let it out, every emotion I was feeling. I didn't know if I could do it, and I didn't know if I wanted to have this baby. She didn't know what to say to me. She knows me better than anyone. But here I am, saying all of this to a woman who changed her entire life plans to have me. I was a surprise to her, as much as Finn was to me. She and I my Dad barely knew each other, but someone made everything fall into place to give me the life they felt I deserved. She was much younger than I was, and she faced it all with the bravest face. I wasn't there to witness this, but I know my mother, and I wouldn't expect any less from her. To my surprise, she didn't attack me, she didn't tell me I was wrong. She told me that it was my choice, it was up to me. She said it was my body and my life, and that no one could tell me I was ready, or that I could do it, or should do it. She didn't say, 'well, you have to deal with the consequences'. But, I knew from the reaction on the day that I told her and my father, that she was overjoyed and eagerly anticipating the arrival of her grandbaby. I knew she loved him or her already. But I still didn't know how I felt. I got off the phone, and I lay there, deep in thought. I desperately needed something, perspective, a slap in the face, or a sign. I thought about my current situation, how my life had changed so quickly. How Bobby and I had just moved in together not more than a month before this. I wished for someone to tell me what to do. Someone to tell me what was right. I needed to know that I was going to be okay, no matter what. Then, as I have often done in the past couple of years, I thought of my grandmother. It hadn't even been a year since I had lost her to cancer. I thought about those long hours spent with her in the hospital, watching the life slip out of her, gradually and painfully. I wondered what she would think of this. I knew she would be so happy. I could picture the look on her face, knowing that she would be a great grand-mother. I knew she would be over the moon. Just knowing that she wouldn't be able to experience that joy broke my heart even more. But it also gave me the perspective, and maybe even the sign I was looking for. I have always believed that when a loved one is taken from you, God gives you someone else, he gives new life to you. Maybe this baby growing inside of me was that gift? A gift from Grammy, to me, and to my family. Maybe this little baby would put a smile back on my Mom's face, after a year of heartache. Maybe it would help mends broken fences in my family. Maybe it would show me how to care for someone more than myself. So I convinced myself, on that day, in my bedroom, with the help of Grammy, that I would become a mother.
Just thinking back to that day, breaks my heart, but it also gives me strength. I'm so grateful that I took a chance on myself, that I trusted myself and made the right decision for me. I was scared, terrified even. I hadn't planned to be a Mom. I was scared to death of pregnancy, of labour, of gaining weight. I hadn't even considered what would happen after the baby got here and I had to raise it! Now here I am, a year later, with my sweet boy napping quietly just a few feet away. I couldn't be happier. My life is complete now, he is my purpose, my reason to get up in the morning, he gave me new life. He helped me put myself back together again, and he showed me what is to love someone more than you love yourself.
So thank you, Grammy. Thank you for showing me the way to that kind of love. Thank you for watching over us during these hard times, and giving me the strength to face each day. If not for me, for my beautiful son, who completes me.

12

Well hello there, it's been a while! In fact, the last time we talked, I was 9 days post-partum, and still in heavy duty recovery mode. Well, a lot has changed since then. For starters, Mister Finn is now 12 weeks and 2 days old. Hard to believe how fast the time flies when you have a baby! I was warned by everyone to enjoy my pregnancy, and then enjoy every little moment after they are born, because every moment is fleeting. Truer words have never been spoken. My heart breaks when I think about how quickly the past 12 weeks have gone by. Bobby and I are now adjusted to running on very little sleeps. Finn has given us a few breaks here and there by sleeping for 6 -7 hours at a time. But just when we think he might be skipping his mid-night feeding he throws us off course and wakes up for it. Last night, after 4 or 5 consecutive nights of skipping a feeding, he decided to mess himself up completely. After an hour of crying and screaming (brought to you by colic), he finally crashed at 8:30, and knowing he had a feeding at 9:30, I was in a panic, and not sure what to do. Bobby convinced me to put him down for a little sleep if he was willing to sleep, so we could have some quiet time. So I put him down, and decided to lay down and rest my back as well. He slept for the entire hour until his feeding, and I made the decision to wake him up for his feeding, hoping he would stick to his usual schedule of feeding around 9:30 or 10, and falling asleep by 11, and then not waking up until about 5:30. Not a chance! He did go right back to sleep, but he was awake again at 1am, and didn't go back to sleep until 3. Bobby had to  He was awake off and on to the point that I (sigh) took him in bed with me. He slept with me on and off, between sulking until 7. We've been up for the day ever since!
So there is a typical night of sleep at the Jack/Ferguson house. Fortunately, Bobby is landing his lobster gear today, and I will finally have the ability to sleep, or at least stay in bed for a feeding here and there for a while. We made the agreement that one he was done of fishing, we would take turns getting up for the feedings at night. Neither of us is usually able to sleep through the feeding, even if the other one has the baby, but it will be nice to not have to be the one to get out of bed to prepare the bottle. So yes, you read that correctly, I am not nursing. I'm sure the members of the La Leche group are shitting their pants in a raging fury at reading this. Is it just me, or is there this huge network at crazy women out there who literally try to shove nursing down your throat? As soon as you get pregnant, you get bombarded by women (and sometimes men) asking you, 'are you going to nurse?' 'it's SO good for the baby!' Yes, yes, I know it's good for the baby, but my cracked nipples, and aching back and stained bras feel like a good formula will do the same thing. Don't get me wrong, I tried my hardest, there was sweat and tears, from both myself and Finn. But after six weeks, I had to say enough is enough. Finn has now gone through three different formulas, and the third was a charm. He is adjusting well, seems happy (aside from the colic). I also enjoy that Bobby can help me with the feedings, and I have been able to have family take him (even for the night!) so that I can go fishing with Bobby a couple times a week. I'm sure nursing is everything people say it is, but it just wasn't for me, or Finn.
I wish I could share a bit more, but this blog is interuppted by the squeals of my sweet babe! Hold onto your hats! Ill be back!

Four months old already! SHEESH!

Oh hello there August! You sort of snuck up on me while I wasn't looking! Well, let's update! Finnley J is now four months old. He is vibrant, alert, nosy and gorgeous. He drives me crazy and warms my heart all at the same time. He is not a sleeper, not during the day, and not at night. He goes down between 9pm-11pm and sleeps between 3-5 hours, and then after that, there is NO chance in hell that he is going back in that crib. So, I make a major mommy faux-pas, and I take him in bed with me. Now to all your judgey Mammas out there, SAVE IT! You do what you have to do to get sleep. Seriously, when push comes to shove, I'm not looking to prove any points, nor am I looking for the mother of the year award. I just need sleep sometimes! Plus, there is nothing better than waking up to that little smiling face. For some reason, Mister Fussypants, as we have so affectionately named him, is a total gem when he wakes up in the morning!
Hmmm, I'd love to fill you in on the rest of my life, but there isn't anything else! Life is consumed by all things Finn! He fills my days with laughs, tears, and smiles, and I wouldn't have it any other way!
The past four months have been a total roller coaster. I actually left Finn with an overnight babysitter before he was seven weeks old! I ended up having to go fishing with Bobby, and so we had no choice but to find an overnight babysitter for the baby so we didnt have to take him out of bed at 3am to go fishing! It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I was so full of anxiety, and GUILT! I felt like a bad Mom. But I had to convince myself that I was doing to help support our family, including him! Let me tell you, it was no walking park, fishing lobster six weeks post-partum. But I did it, and I'm damn proud of myself!
So now, here we are, four months into Mommy-hood. We are surving colic, and onto teething! Its just one thing after the other in the Mommy world! These days, I am preparing to introduce baby foods! They say anywhere between 4-6 months your baby will show signs of being ready. Let me tell you, Finn is showing all the signs. He is all but grabbing the food off of our plates! He is just itching to try something! Its kind of sweet, and sad at the same time, because he gets so frustrated, moving his mouth when he sees us eating. So I have dug out of my blender and am pinning baby food tips like mad! Next week I'm going to give him his first taste of sweet potato!
I wish I had time to share more news, but the master has spoken, and its time to cuddle!
Stay tuned! :)