WHEW!
It's been a while since I had the time to sit down and share some thoughts with you all. Heck, I don't even have the time right now! But I thought it necessary to hammer out my feelings into written form, because it feels so damn good to do it!
If you don't follow me on Facebook, you might be well overdue for an update on my life! Finn is now 13 months and 20 days old.. and Gabe is now TEN DAYS OLD! That's right, I did it again, I had a beautiful, bouncing baby boy. Okay, so he isn't bouncing yet. But give him time, he will be ;)
Yes, Gabriel John Thomas Ferguson was born on May 4th, 2014 at 9:47 am, via cesearean section, and he weighed in at a whopping 7lbs 4.8 ounces.. a mere ounce in the difference from his brother at birth. It was quite the day, I was so out of it, I actually threw up all over myself, like the class act that I am, as soon as I got back to my room from recovery. I didn't even feel like holding him, I just laid there in the bed and slept in and out most of the day, feeling like someone had run me over with a transfer truck. That feeling continued for about a week. In fact, the following Monday, after we got home from the hospital, I ended up with the flu. Then, 10 minutes later, Bobby got it. Yes, we do everything together, the dream couple. It wouldn't have been so bad, had Finn not been up, crying and miserable with a terrible cold (which later turned out to be an ear infection). So, here I was, covered in my own puke, stripping my bed, trying not to get it everywhere, with a towel wrapped around me. Fortunately, a friend was online at the time, and saw what was going on. She showed up at my door at 1am, made my bed with clean bedding, cleaned my floor, packed a bag for Finn, scooped him up and left. My angel on earth. I'm not even joking. The next day was a total blur, in and out of running to the bathroom, cleaning up puke (Bobby didn't make it to the bathroom a couple of times himself), and yes, nursing. I am DETERMINED to be successful at nursing this time around. I told myself that giving up was not an option, no matter what! I gave up too easily with Finn, and I regretted it completely. Spending $200 a month on formula, and dealing with all of the belly issues that come with it, is just not my cup of tea. That money would be better spent on other practical things.. like diapers, wine, coffee, toilet paper.. Oops.. did I say that out loud? Finally, Wednesday afternoon, we were finally able to get Finn back home, and I swear to God, he knew we were worn out. The child slept through the night for basically one of the rarest occasions. I was so relieved, because I knew that if he gave Bobby a rough time, I would hear about it, and I'm far to emotional these days to deal with the crankiness of a man. Thursday we took both babies to the doctor, Finn, in the end, did have an ear infection, and Gabe seemed to be okay at that point. However, by his visit the next day, he was having bouts of diarrhea, and seemed to be a bit dehydrated. Solution? Nurse more! For me, I wasn't really sure how that was possible, seeing how I have had him glued to my boob since day one. No joke! The child didn't spend time at the nursery! They would come and offer, and I wouldn't even oblige! I was so set on achieving my goal of being a breastfeeding mama, that I wasn't willing to let any time slip bye. His favorite place to be is curled up next to my boob. I guess it makes a good pillow. Oops, off track again.. back to the doctor.. yes, we left the doctors office on Friday with an appointment for MONDAY. However, I was informed that should anything continue, dry diapers, diarrhea, etc.. I was to go directly to the ER. So, after a long night of struggling to nurse, two runny diapers, no pees, and one heavily congested baby, I headed to the ER this morning. Naturally, I ended up with the biggest douchebag of all. He wrote down the names of two parenting books and suggested that I read them, and proceeded to tell me that I'm not nursing enough. Why thank you kind sir. I'm glad that you can decipher this by looking at my child and listening to his chest, all the while making comments on how babies must love to suck on their mothers breast. Oh yeah, that happened. So I left with a list for the library and a boogy sucker. Thanks doc. Now here we are, back at home. I have taken to telling myself the same thing that I told myself when Finn arrived, and he would do nothing but cry, all day long.. this too shall pass. One day, you will look back, and wish for those moments again. Well, that part is a lie. I don't miss those days when he cried all the time. To be honest, I am enjoying my sweet boy right now. He seems to have stepped into the big brother role. He has changed so much in 10 days! He is a different kid. Even being sick, he is so sweet. I cant even pick him up, and so he is spending extra time with daddy, snuggling on the couch, watching his favorite show, playing with his toys, and trying so hard to take more than just a few steps. Every time he lets go and toddles a bit, he looks at us, so proud of himself. I feel so overwhelmed. He keeps reminding me that these hard times in the beginning lead the way to such a delightful thing. I'm feeling so overwhelmed, yet so very blessed to have these beautiful beings in my life. <3
Saturday, May 24, 2014
Friday, February 7, 2014
Crying & Nurturing.
Beware: If you do not have a child, you may find this content offensive, boring or completely irrelevant.
Sleep-training. It sounds like natural process, right? You just decide one day that your baby is ready. You go through the nightly routine, and when 'bedtime' comes, put them in their crib, walk away and wait. Accurate, yes. Easy? NO friggin way! What ensues is insanity.. Crying. Followed by screaming. Followed by choking, gagging and yes, puke. Oh wait! That wasn't your experience? You put your baby in bed and they just fell asleep? Well, isnt that wonderful for you. But I'm sure that my exhausted friend, who is still struggling with her four year old at bedtime does NOT give a shit how successful you were. She just wants a few more hours of sleep, and her kid is just nooot there yet. So, this is my trouble. I have a 10 month old who does not appear to be able to put himself to sleep, nor does he appear able to stay asleep. It wouldnt be such a predicament if his little brother wasnt due to arrive in approximately 15 weeks.
As usual, I have been bombarded with suggestions on what to do. Many believe that letting a baby cry for a few minutes is perfectly healthy and will 'strengthen their lungs'. I on the hand, believe this theory is a complete and total crock of shit. Do I want my child to manipulate me until they are grown and ready to leave home? Hell no! So here is my dilemna. I would have no problem allowing an infant to cry for a little bit in hopes of soothing himself to sleep. But in our case, there is something bigger going on- teething. Yes, those little enamel-covered bastards are giving us all pure hell. I have exhausted myself looking solutions, but but nothing works! I've tried homepathic orajel, Camillia, Tylenol, Motrin, Advil, teething necklaces, teething rings, you name it. Nothing seems to help! We get a week to ten days of miserable nights, then it reaaally comes to a head. That night, when we are all at our wits end, he sleeps a longer stretch. I strongly believe that this is the reason that I cant justify letting him cry it out. Having said all that, I have decided that when baby number 2 arrives, I am going to attempt a few different approaches when it comes to sleeping habits. No bedsharing if at all possible! Also, no rocking baby to sleep. Putting him down while he is sleepy, but not asleep. This way, maybe I might have a shot at getting him back to sleep in leas than 2 hours. None of this desperate rocking for hours on end. Now I know what you're thinking, babies are babies. They need to be rocked, they need to feel loved. Well, chances are, if you are thinking this, you don't have a child of your own. Most mothers would agree, we are at our best when we are not desperately tired. Our bodies cannot produce the milk that we need to nurture these bundles of joy without some form of sleep. That in itself if love in the truest form.
Friday, January 17, 2014
10 truths about being a Mom
Happy to have gotten the gloom and doom out of the way in that last post. Now that I have gotten that off my chest, time to move on!
So, I am now the mother of a nine month old baby! NINE MONTHS! Where the hell was I while the time was flying by? I'll tell you where I was for most of it.. in a zombie-like, new, and clueless mom stupor. Don't get me wrong, I have some great memories of the past nine months with my little Finnley. But let me tell you, I have spent a lot of tired days. I was sitting here just thinking and reflecting on my time thus far as a Mamma. I have come up with a list of things that I wish that SOMEONE would have told me about being a mother. Now, please keep in mind that this list applies to me, and may not apply to all of you Moms out there. Also, if you don't agree with the things I have listed, or have a different (not better) way of doing things, power to you. This is what has worked for me.
1) Your body will adapt to sleep deprivation, because your child will not magically start sleeping through the night one day.
2) Your kid isn't going to follow some perfect timeline of development, and that's okay.
To elaborate.. I have driven myself crazy trying to keep. But at one point, I just accepted that my kid is going to sit up, crawl and sleep when he wants. Trust me, once they start crawling, they don't slow down!
3) You will become extremely pissed off when other mothers try to convince you that their way is the right way. THIS drives me crazy. I know it's inevitable that we, as mothers will share our tips. But there is always that mother out there who has to reply to EVERYTHING with 'Oh, I would never do that', or 'Oh, my baby doesn't need that'. Good for you, glad it works for you, but it doesn't work for everyone.
4) You will be extremely when women who don't even have children try to suggest how you should care for your child. This is more than likely my number one issue. If you have not birthed or raised a child, you don't get to comment. I don't care if you have a degree, or you are the master of Google, shut up! If you haven't been through it, how could you possibly understand? Just because you 5th cousin twice removed told you a couple of stories about her motherly experience, does not make you a pro. It does not put you in a position to offer me advice on breastfeeding. By all means, feel free to play the superior card and tell me that 'when you have a child, you're going to do it this way'. Yes, and I sincerely hope that works out for you. But try no to be too devastated if things don't work out according to plan. If there is anything that I have learned in the past 18+ months of being a mother (in and out of womb), it's this.. you can't plan the outcome. IT JUST HAPPENS!
5) You really will lose friends. It's true. I know this sounds depressing, and if you haven't yet had a baby.. I'm sorry to be blunt. Okay, I'll reword it, for your sake.. you will find out who your true friends are. But what's more is that a lot of people will start to annoy you. They will get awkward, and make excuses about coming around.. 'Oh, I'm sick', 'I didn't want to bother you', or 'I didn't think you would want to do that'. What they want to say is, 'I'm not willing to adapt to your new lifestyle, so I'm not going to make the effort'.
6) You bought WAY too many cutsie outfits and not nearly enough sleepers. I made this mistake. In every group of sizes from newborn up, I have a surplus of clothing that never even graced my childs back. Why, you ask? It wasn't practical. None of it. Seriously, jeans on little babies? Nice for about two seconds, take a picture, then take that crap off! Especially now that he is crawling. The way that they make baby jeans, they are just aren't meant for crawling, or playing, or basically any baby-like activity.
7) You'll likely rarely ever nap when your baby naps. For the first while, it's great, and you sleep when you can, and you're in survival mode. You're eating all those freezer meals that you so keenly prepared ahead of time, back when you HAD time. But eventually, the novelty will wear off, and you'll realize that your house won't clean itself, and meals need to be made, laundry needs to be done, and you need to have some time to yourself. So you'll start skipping those naps, and before you know it, they will be a distant memory. I napped when baby napped for the first few weeks, and then eventually, reality kicked in for me. Now that I'm 22 weeks pregnant with baby number 2, and have a very active nine-month old, I tend to nap when Finn naps from time to time. But even still, this is a rare occasion, and most of the time, I skip it in favour of cleaning my house, or preparing a meal.
8) You will cave in, and your child will watch tv. But that doesn't mean the tv is a baby-sitter, it just means that you have found a way to buy yourself a few moments to accomplish something. I had a hard time with this one, but at some point, you have to accept that what works, works. So if putting my son in his swing, with Toopy & Binoo to entertain him, is somehow wrong... then I don't want to be right. This is how I have managed to quickly prepare meals, or at least get them into my slowcooker.. which is the lead-in to the next truth in my life.
9) You should.. or will invest in a slowcooker. If you don't already have one, BUY ONE! My slowcooker has saved me, sooo many times! This fabulous invention has allowed me to care for my baby all day long, and still have a homecooked meal ready for my partner by suppertime!
10) Your child will surprise you, at every turn. I can't specify one particular example of this. All I can say is this.. one night, he might sleep through the night, have a fantastic day, hardly sulk at all. Then, BOOM, the next day might be pure hell. What do you do? You pull up your socks, and you get through it. If all else fails, there's coffee, coffee will never fail you.
So, those are my 10. Maybe not the only things that I wish I had know. But I wish someone had been honest enough to tell me this stuff! Seriously, here I was, pinning away my baby's first year, completely unaware that my world was about to be rocked.....
So, I am now the mother of a nine month old baby! NINE MONTHS! Where the hell was I while the time was flying by? I'll tell you where I was for most of it.. in a zombie-like, new, and clueless mom stupor. Don't get me wrong, I have some great memories of the past nine months with my little Finnley. But let me tell you, I have spent a lot of tired days. I was sitting here just thinking and reflecting on my time thus far as a Mamma. I have come up with a list of things that I wish that SOMEONE would have told me about being a mother. Now, please keep in mind that this list applies to me, and may not apply to all of you Moms out there. Also, if you don't agree with the things I have listed, or have a different (not better) way of doing things, power to you. This is what has worked for me.
1) Your body will adapt to sleep deprivation, because your child will not magically start sleeping through the night one day.
2) Your kid isn't going to follow some perfect timeline of development, and that's okay.
To elaborate.. I have driven myself crazy trying to keep. But at one point, I just accepted that my kid is going to sit up, crawl and sleep when he wants. Trust me, once they start crawling, they don't slow down!
3) You will become extremely pissed off when other mothers try to convince you that their way is the right way. THIS drives me crazy. I know it's inevitable that we, as mothers will share our tips. But there is always that mother out there who has to reply to EVERYTHING with 'Oh, I would never do that', or 'Oh, my baby doesn't need that'. Good for you, glad it works for you, but it doesn't work for everyone.
4) You will be extremely when women who don't even have children try to suggest how you should care for your child. This is more than likely my number one issue. If you have not birthed or raised a child, you don't get to comment. I don't care if you have a degree, or you are the master of Google, shut up! If you haven't been through it, how could you possibly understand? Just because you 5th cousin twice removed told you a couple of stories about her motherly experience, does not make you a pro. It does not put you in a position to offer me advice on breastfeeding. By all means, feel free to play the superior card and tell me that 'when you have a child, you're going to do it this way'. Yes, and I sincerely hope that works out for you. But try no to be too devastated if things don't work out according to plan. If there is anything that I have learned in the past 18+ months of being a mother (in and out of womb), it's this.. you can't plan the outcome. IT JUST HAPPENS!
5) You really will lose friends. It's true. I know this sounds depressing, and if you haven't yet had a baby.. I'm sorry to be blunt. Okay, I'll reword it, for your sake.. you will find out who your true friends are. But what's more is that a lot of people will start to annoy you. They will get awkward, and make excuses about coming around.. 'Oh, I'm sick', 'I didn't want to bother you', or 'I didn't think you would want to do that'. What they want to say is, 'I'm not willing to adapt to your new lifestyle, so I'm not going to make the effort'.
6) You bought WAY too many cutsie outfits and not nearly enough sleepers. I made this mistake. In every group of sizes from newborn up, I have a surplus of clothing that never even graced my childs back. Why, you ask? It wasn't practical. None of it. Seriously, jeans on little babies? Nice for about two seconds, take a picture, then take that crap off! Especially now that he is crawling. The way that they make baby jeans, they are just aren't meant for crawling, or playing, or basically any baby-like activity.
7) You'll likely rarely ever nap when your baby naps. For the first while, it's great, and you sleep when you can, and you're in survival mode. You're eating all those freezer meals that you so keenly prepared ahead of time, back when you HAD time. But eventually, the novelty will wear off, and you'll realize that your house won't clean itself, and meals need to be made, laundry needs to be done, and you need to have some time to yourself. So you'll start skipping those naps, and before you know it, they will be a distant memory. I napped when baby napped for the first few weeks, and then eventually, reality kicked in for me. Now that I'm 22 weeks pregnant with baby number 2, and have a very active nine-month old, I tend to nap when Finn naps from time to time. But even still, this is a rare occasion, and most of the time, I skip it in favour of cleaning my house, or preparing a meal.
8) You will cave in, and your child will watch tv. But that doesn't mean the tv is a baby-sitter, it just means that you have found a way to buy yourself a few moments to accomplish something. I had a hard time with this one, but at some point, you have to accept that what works, works. So if putting my son in his swing, with Toopy & Binoo to entertain him, is somehow wrong... then I don't want to be right. This is how I have managed to quickly prepare meals, or at least get them into my slowcooker.. which is the lead-in to the next truth in my life.
9) You should.. or will invest in a slowcooker. If you don't already have one, BUY ONE! My slowcooker has saved me, sooo many times! This fabulous invention has allowed me to care for my baby all day long, and still have a homecooked meal ready for my partner by suppertime!
10) Your child will surprise you, at every turn. I can't specify one particular example of this. All I can say is this.. one night, he might sleep through the night, have a fantastic day, hardly sulk at all. Then, BOOM, the next day might be pure hell. What do you do? You pull up your socks, and you get through it. If all else fails, there's coffee, coffee will never fail you.
So, those are my 10. Maybe not the only things that I wish I had know. But I wish someone had been honest enough to tell me this stuff! Seriously, here I was, pinning away my baby's first year, completely unaware that my world was about to be rocked.....
Thursday, January 2, 2014
A long hard year
Well, 2014, here you are. A new year, new goals and a new outlook. At least I think that's what you're supposed to say. The reality is that to me, it's another day, sure the year is technically different. But don't get me wrong! I'm not under any false illusions that life magically gets better because the year changes. Call me a pessimist, call me a realist, I know the truth, and I have accepted it. If you want to change something, you have to do it yourself, no one else is going to do it for you.
So it's been a few months since I last wrote, and I have had a lot to say. In fact, I think that may be the reason why I have kept quiet. I have sat down so many times and started writing out my feelings. But every time that I go to press 'Publish', something stops me. I'm not sure what has changed in me, maybe I am growing up, or maybe I am becoming softer (as if that was even possible). I think it's the latter of the two. I am no longer able to subject myself to the same opinions that at one time I could handle. It's been a very hard year. Honestly, it's left me somewhat damaged, and very weary of people. We, as a family, have not had the best of luck in any area of life this year, and I feel worn from it. I know people tell you that you shouldn't care what others think. Or that you should stand strong and move on. But sometimes, it's not as simple as moving on. Sometimes, you just have to say enough is enough. I have spent the past few months deleting people from my life. When I say delete, I truly do mean 'deleting'. I have cut myself off in every way from anyone I feel is poisonous. I continue to do so whenever I must. It's been hard, and it hasn't come without consequence. I have become a different version of myself because of what we have been through. I am no longer the same woman. I feel on edge, I feel rushed, even panicked sometimes. I break out into a sweat at the checkout in the grocery store. I used to love interacting with others, but now, I find it more terrifying than public speaking was back my 4-H days. I'm not sure what has specifically caused this change in me. I think it is a collective influence of all of the negative experiences that I have gone through in this past year. But I can tell you that I hardly recognize myself anymore. I used to be the one who lashed out, who defended, who spoke their mind, no matter what the cost. Now, I don't want to be that person, I hate that person. That person had the attention, negative or not. I want to be the one that blends in, and is unnoticed. That person is safe from judgement, she is not in the spotlight. She doesn't feel the pressures or the shame.
I am certain that many people who have been following me will wonder where this change has come from. Those who actually know me will have even more questions. But those who have been there this past year, will understand. To get into the specifics of everything that has gone on in this past year would either leave you bored stiff, or leave you speechless. For me to sit down and rehash the whole thing, and expose my life would be too much for me.
I haven't made any resolutions for myself this year, I haven't set any goals. I have, however, decided that I will continue to make the decisions that work best for my family. No matter how difficult they may be. Like I said, this has been a hard year. More difficult than I could have ever imagined. I have experienced the cruelty that this world can hold, and I have been scarred from it. I have seen evil forces at work, and I am wounded from their actions. I have questioned my faith in people, and how they can hurt one another how they do. I have seen that people have no limits when it comes to what they will do. But I have also seen that there is good in this world. I have been shown kindness that I will never forget. Having said that, I am going to try my very hardest to look for the kindness that I hope the world still has to offer. My only mission this year is to rebuild my own faith in this world, and to look for kindness and offer it whenever I can.
So it's been a few months since I last wrote, and I have had a lot to say. In fact, I think that may be the reason why I have kept quiet. I have sat down so many times and started writing out my feelings. But every time that I go to press 'Publish', something stops me. I'm not sure what has changed in me, maybe I am growing up, or maybe I am becoming softer (as if that was even possible). I think it's the latter of the two. I am no longer able to subject myself to the same opinions that at one time I could handle. It's been a very hard year. Honestly, it's left me somewhat damaged, and very weary of people. We, as a family, have not had the best of luck in any area of life this year, and I feel worn from it. I know people tell you that you shouldn't care what others think. Or that you should stand strong and move on. But sometimes, it's not as simple as moving on. Sometimes, you just have to say enough is enough. I have spent the past few months deleting people from my life. When I say delete, I truly do mean 'deleting'. I have cut myself off in every way from anyone I feel is poisonous. I continue to do so whenever I must. It's been hard, and it hasn't come without consequence. I have become a different version of myself because of what we have been through. I am no longer the same woman. I feel on edge, I feel rushed, even panicked sometimes. I break out into a sweat at the checkout in the grocery store. I used to love interacting with others, but now, I find it more terrifying than public speaking was back my 4-H days. I'm not sure what has specifically caused this change in me. I think it is a collective influence of all of the negative experiences that I have gone through in this past year. But I can tell you that I hardly recognize myself anymore. I used to be the one who lashed out, who defended, who spoke their mind, no matter what the cost. Now, I don't want to be that person, I hate that person. That person had the attention, negative or not. I want to be the one that blends in, and is unnoticed. That person is safe from judgement, she is not in the spotlight. She doesn't feel the pressures or the shame.
I am certain that many people who have been following me will wonder where this change has come from. Those who actually know me will have even more questions. But those who have been there this past year, will understand. To get into the specifics of everything that has gone on in this past year would either leave you bored stiff, or leave you speechless. For me to sit down and rehash the whole thing, and expose my life would be too much for me.
I haven't made any resolutions for myself this year, I haven't set any goals. I have, however, decided that I will continue to make the decisions that work best for my family. No matter how difficult they may be. Like I said, this has been a hard year. More difficult than I could have ever imagined. I have experienced the cruelty that this world can hold, and I have been scarred from it. I have seen evil forces at work, and I am wounded from their actions. I have questioned my faith in people, and how they can hurt one another how they do. I have seen that people have no limits when it comes to what they will do. But I have also seen that there is good in this world. I have been shown kindness that I will never forget. Having said that, I am going to try my very hardest to look for the kindness that I hope the world still has to offer. My only mission this year is to rebuild my own faith in this world, and to look for kindness and offer it whenever I can.
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