A long hard year

Well, 2014, here you are. A new year, new goals and a new outlook. At least I think that's what you're supposed to say. The reality is that to me, it's another day, sure the year is technically different. But don't get me wrong! I'm not under any false illusions that life magically gets better because the year changes. Call me a pessimist, call me a realist, I know the truth, and I have accepted it. If you want to change something, you have to do it yourself, no one else is going to do it for you.
So it's been a few months since I last wrote, and I have had a lot to say. In fact, I think that may be the reason why I have kept quiet. I have sat down so many times and started writing out my feelings. But every time that I go to press 'Publish', something stops me. I'm not sure what has changed in me, maybe I am growing up, or maybe I am becoming softer (as if that was even possible). I think it's the latter of the two. I am no longer able to subject myself to the same opinions that at one time I could handle. It's been a very hard year. Honestly, it's left me somewhat damaged, and very weary of people. We, as a family, have not had the best of luck in any area of life this year, and I feel worn from it. I know people tell you that you shouldn't care what others think. Or that you should stand strong and move on. But sometimes, it's not as simple as moving on. Sometimes, you just have to say enough is enough. I have spent the past few months deleting people from my life. When I say delete, I truly do mean 'deleting'. I have cut myself off in every way from anyone I feel is poisonous. I continue to do so whenever I must. It's been hard, and it hasn't come without consequence. I have become a different version of myself because of what we have been through. I am no longer the same woman. I feel on edge, I feel rushed, even panicked sometimes. I break out into a sweat at the checkout in the grocery store. I used to love interacting with others, but now, I find it more terrifying than public speaking was back my 4-H days. I'm not sure what has specifically caused this change in me. I think it is a collective influence of all of the negative experiences that I have gone through in this past year. But I can tell you that I hardly recognize myself anymore. I used to be the one who lashed out, who defended, who spoke their mind, no matter what the cost. Now, I don't want to be that person, I hate that person. That person had the attention, negative or not. I want to be the one that blends in, and is unnoticed. That person is safe from judgement, she is not in the spotlight. She doesn't feel the pressures or the shame.
I am certain that many people who have been following me will wonder where this change has come from. Those who actually know me will have even more questions. But those who have been there this past year, will understand. To get into the specifics of everything that has gone on in this past year would either leave you bored stiff, or leave you speechless. For me to sit down and rehash the whole thing, and expose my life would be too much for me.
I haven't made any resolutions for myself this year, I haven't set any goals. I have, however, decided that I will continue to make the decisions that work best for my family. No matter how difficult they may be. Like I said, this has been a hard year. More difficult than I could have ever imagined. I have experienced the cruelty that this world can hold, and I have been scarred from it. I have seen evil forces at work, and I am wounded from their actions. I have questioned my faith in people, and how they can hurt one another how they do. I have seen that people have no limits when it comes to what they will do. But I have also seen that there is good in this world. I have been shown kindness that I will never forget. Having said that, I am going to try my very hardest to look for the kindness that I hope the world still has to offer. My only mission this year is to rebuild my own faith in this world, and to look for kindness and offer it whenever I can.